yeah ok...

so I should explain my story, explain my situation. I should explain everything in order for you to understand. I don't think I can face that though. To explain it is to remember it and I can't face that I feel like everything is leaving me, like everyone wants me to just...go. I'm really lonely. I don't think I can make it through the Christmas Holidays. I never am able to to be honest, they drive me mad.

But my urges to cut are kinda getting worse. I don't want to, in my mind, somewhere I know it'll just make everything worse, but the other ahlf of me knows how good it would be.

I don't know how to explain how I feel at the moment. I was always told "Use other words apart from depressed." but I can't. It really is just...low. so low I just can't function. Everything's going to come back to haunt me, and I'm actually quite scared about everything. I'm really really scared

Hey sweet.
I'm sorry you're feeling so rotton at the moment.
urges are horrible, but try and keep yourself busy and distracted. You're allowed to use the word depressed if thats how you actually feel, it sounds quite accurate to me.

What is going to come back to haunt you?
what are you afraid of hun?

thinking of you
xxxxxxx

its just.....God....

When I was younger a lot of stuff happened to me. it just keeps coming back every so often to me, especially this time of year, because...well when I was 15 on the 24th or something I tried to kill myself for the first time. it kinda feels rotten around this time of year

To be honest I've never felt so lonely

ooh hun I'm sorry, it's only natural for you to feel rough.
You're not alone though, we're all here for you. Keep posting if it's helping, you'll get through this
xxxxxxxxxx

Its justt hat even on msn and stuff i'm like oh eyah I'm fine and dandy, when in reality I want to actually scream and say, you know what, I really do feel like I want to give it all up and die.

I'm so confused in my head. I feel like I'm not getting through this at all.

Are you recieving any professional support at the moment sweet?
It sounds like you might benefit from it, someone you could go speak too in confidence and work on those underlying issues that are making you feel this way.
You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

I'm realy scared about that though....Professional help scares me.
I had it before, and the guy was an arse.

Also the thought of what my parents would say is a really scary thought

not all professionals are the same, the first psychiatrist I saw was awful but I kept reaching out and ending up meeting some really great people.
Do your parents need to know??
xx

they'd find out eventually. Thats what they're like

I just I'm really scared. I can't firhgt this any more. I'm getting really really bad urges now.

is there anything to distract you hun?
like a game or maybe have a nice warm bath?
Sorry I'm no good at advice giving - am thinking of you though
xxx

its been a few days, a lot has happened. A lot that I can't say. A lot that people would kill me for speaking about. The only one they want me to talk to is a profesional, but I can't do that. Its too hard at the mo. I promised him but...I dunno. Its far too hard now.

I can't do this anymore. Its so difficult :'(